Friday, December 24, 2010


this post is none of your reading concerned.
please exit. i just want to voice out.. whatever. so, it's nothing of your concern, thank you.
get away frm ths post as it is poisonous to your mind.
reading this n tonight, a freak clown will go into your bedroom and do whatever is he do.
so, please exit this post.

i don't know.
lately, i've been having depress breakdowns, or is that what it is.
actually, nearly all the time.
i think it started when all my friends move away, i guess.
yea, we can still contact thru the net, phones n stuff bt it's really hard for me coping that they'r nt ther fr me to hug, hold, cry, laugh n all to do togthr.
so, all th time thru 2010, i gss, i've been faking everythg.
smiles, laughs, cries.
all that because i don't want anyone around me to see that i'm having this depressing nonsense, thy wud say.
i said to myself, if they happy, i should be happy too n whatsoever.
i lt thm mock me if it mkes thm happy n mke a joke or two so tht thy were hppy too.
n i will do whatevr i can to mke thm hppy.
but, gss i gt a tste of my own mdicine fr fking. i'm insecure, i know i know.
yea, i do stll hve th current frnds nw, bt thy hve a wall around thm tht i can't break thru.
altho, it's nt real to thm, ... maybe, bt i feel i'm jst a substitute friend.
thy were around if i'm happy bt run away whn i needed a friend th most.
if thy'r 'best' frnds were nt arnd, thy wud look arnd fr me n nxt thng i knw, i ws alone again.
n whn i'm alone, th depressions came bck. i don't want to be an emo, duh, and i hte th loneliness bt thy always knew wher to fnd me.
yea, i hve loads of frnds bt th real ones hd found bttr lives thn me.
thnk goodness thy'r still wth me evn if it's nt physically and i hope they will always be n i thank u.
n my family is my only holding on place now. i'm sry to thm tho tht i nvr really appreciate thm. i'm always tking thngs fr grnted, yada yada.
i don't want to end my 2010 like this. i mean, the depressing part.
tomorrow's christmas n i shud b in th 'festive' mood bt i'm jst not.
i made wishes fr ths year n none of thm came true. maybe i'm nt tryg hard enuff. or th cliche line, not all wishes come true. besides, i have a long but, hopefully, temporary dead end in reaching my dream n wishes.
guess my resolution fr nxt yr is going to b th sme as this year's. but with some addition, of course.
when will all of this end for me?
i can't even cry, too much is weighing and hurting me.

btw, merry christmas. :)